Welp, (possibly) RIP to one of the great chain restaurants of all time: Red Lobster. If you are a fan of their fast-casual, shipped frozen seafood (that may or may not give you diarrhea*), you should probably make it a priority to take a trip to the closet one to you in 2024.
This news would also mean the (potential) end of one of the all time chain-restaurant breads: The Red Lobster Cheddar Biscuits. Should ‘Cheddar Biscuits’ be capitalized? I was taught in school to capitalize proper nouns and if those biscuits don’t fit into that category then nothing does.
Which leads me to this: Power ranking the best chain-restaurant breads. Because say what you want about chain-restaurants, but they NAIL pre-dinner bread. Yeah their menus are too big, their food has probably seen the inside of a microwave, there’s an 18% chance you get food poisoning (statistically speaking), blah blah blah. But for some reason, every single chain has elite bread. Without further adieu, my Top 5 Chain Restaurant Breads:
5. Grazie’s Bread and Oil
This one is probably a nostalgia selection for me. Grazies opened a spot in Stevens Point around 2003/2004. We heard it was ‘kinda sorta’ like Olive Garden, so we decided to check it out. Well when the waitress came to our table with water and virigin daiquiri’s, they plopped down down a plate of bread and a plate of oil. I had never seen anything like it in my life. It changed my entire perspective on the restaurant. ‘This is sophisticated!’ I felt like I needed to go back to my house and change into my formal cargo khaki pants. Maybe pick up a Wall Street Journal and check some quotes. In my 19-year old brain, a 2-star Italian casual dining spot instantly became a 5-star James Beard nominee in one fell swoop.
4. Outback Steakhouse Honey Wheet Loaf
Can I say something about Outback Steakhouse without my food snob friends getting mad? It’s actually pretty damn good. Like for real good. I’ve never had a bad steak there, their loaded mashed potatoes are solid, and the steak/seafood combos are tasty and affordable. And it all starts with a warm mini-loaf of honey wheat bread and a big ol’ slab of butter.
3. Olive Garden Breadsticks
There are so many great, local Italian spots in Sheboygan that I can’t fathom going to Olive Garden for dinner. But for a soup/salad/breadstick lunch?? YES YES YES! Garcon! Keep those buttery carb sticks coming!
2. Texas Roadhouse Rolls With Cinnamon Butter
I’ve had a decent amount of good meals at Texas Roadhouse as well, but you could honestly just give me these things and an ice-cold domestic beer and I’d be fine with that for dinner. The problem with these is that they’re so good, it’s impossible to actually eat your whole meal by the time it gets there. At that point I’ve already put 8-10 rolls with cinnamon butter down the hatch, now I have to cram a 16-ounce steak in there as well? Oh well. My stomach will have to sort this out.
1. Red Lobster Cheddar Biscuits
I’ve never done crack. I don’t think I ever will. But based on what I’ve read about it, I think these biscuits must contain some of the same elements. I’m eating whatever amount you’re putting on the table. 4. 8. 10. Whatever. I’m probably going to have to poop at 2:30am, but that’s a price I’m willing to pay. I know they sell ‘Red Lobster Cheddar Biscuit Mix’ independent from the restaurant, so hopefully that will at least stick around if Red Lobsters do go by the wayside.
There you have it. That’s my list. Feel free to criticize, poke fun, tell me I’m an idiot for missing something, etc.
PS: For DECADES Sheboygan residents had been clamouring for an Olive Garden. Any time a building was vacant, or a piece of land was for sale, 80% of the comments were about getting an Olive Garden in that spot. We were obsessed. It was our rosebud. Well, this past January, we finally got one! Since then I’ve noticed that comment sections on potential food spots have been much quieter. What do you do now that all of your dreams came true, you know? Well one spot that does still get some run is Red Lobster. Let’s hope this bankruptcy is more about reorganizing debt than shutting down restaurants. If we could add that to our chain restaurant arsenal of Chiles, Texas Roadhouse, Olive Garden and Buffalo Wild Wings, we may never have to drive to Appleton or Milwaukee again.
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